I WANT YOU! *UPDATE*

[Dave-8ball]

To proof read and give your opinion on a small piece of work I've done, it's an idea I've been playing with for some time now and finally got down onto paper...as so to speak. Now i'm British, swearing is part and parcel of my language, thus it's transferred into my writing, I've censored them to keep things PG-13. In addition some of the actual talking isn't fully correct spelling wise, this is done on purpose in attempts to portray an accent, if I fail miserably at such please comment, thats the whole reason I'm posting here I want some un-biased feedback and I don't see any flamers being here, if there are any though choose your words carefully if I can retaliate I will, thats not a threat, it's a promise. Yes I've used my own name as the main characters, no it's not because I'm a self-centered goit, it's because I'm not even sure if this story will go anywhere just yet, and till I'm sure I'll not be making up many names as I will forget them, thats a bad memory for you.

Still not sure on a title, but I've been thinking along the lines of;
'Who am I?'


“Hello? Hellooo~? Don’t you dare go back to sleep.”

“Wh-What? Sleep? But it’s so soft…”

“Well that’s because of your fur.”

“Fur? Oh…”

“Yes it was a complete success!”

“What was? Wait…who am I?”

“S***…”

“What? No, I feel like s***, but I don’t think I am heh…”

“Well at least you’ve retained your humor, can’t you remember anything?”

“No not really, I mean, I know how to talk, and I seem to know what things mean, err, mostly.”

“Why don’t you open your eyes, it may help.”

Why hadn't that thought occured to him, so he did so, a little too quickly “F***! That’s bright” He covered his face with his hands, but things felt…different, his nose was elongated, wider, and his mouth was…wait this was a muzzle, he had a muzzle, strong jaw, sharp teeth, wet nose, he opened his eyes somewhat slower it was much darker, his hands still covering his eyes, slowly he spread his fingers, they were thicker, broader, not blinded by the light he could see rough paw pads, or that’s what they looked like.

“How do you feel?”

“I’ve told you, but in addition I’m also confused…did I always have paws, and fur?”

“Nope, as I said your experiment was a success”

“What experiment?”

“You’re the first Anthropomorphic humanoid, Human in stature, intellect and attitude with the addition of Animal features, instincts and senses”

“…who am I?”

“Would you like that in my words, or your own?”

“My own?” finally he pulled his paws away, they looked like human hands, but they were bigger, broader, and retained a set of very sharp claws, he could draw them, most peculiar a feeling. Looking up he saw a lass stood at the foot of a large bed, his bed, everything was so familiar, he knew this place but it just didn’t link to him.
He looked her over again, she looked about 5 foot 6, fair skin with some freckles on her cheeks, her hair was a plum red and came to just above her shoulders, at first glance she’d have looked like a lad, though her reasonably prominent bosom was proof enough she was a lass, and while her voice was feminine it held an air of authority and there was a subtle welsh accent there too, she was holding something, small thin square, a CD case.

“Here, watch this, if you need anything just press the button on the side there” she said tossing the case deftly into his lap and pointing at the button on the side table, “When you’re ready get yer arse downstairs, see you in a few Da-vid”

He watched her exit, closing the door, at this point he looked around the room, it was in two words; organized chaos. There was a wall covered in scraps and notes, literally covered, against which an old desk stood a chair in front and a laptop, that’d do.

Getting up, it was at this point he realized he was nude, and he could see how far the experiment had gone, it seemed all the way, everything felt weird but natural, he decided though for the sake of decency to put on some clothes, this in itself was difficult, though the clothes were easy to find, his fur filled out his clothes too much for his liking, he settled for a pair of three quarter shorts, he gathered they were meant to be baggy, but like this they were close to snug.

Stretching himself out he looked at himself in a mirror he seemed pretty tall, though as he’d find out later that was due to the transformation, his fur was thick and somewhat poufy, he didn’t need to be told his animal half was that of a Siberian tiger, he had a stocky build, though not huge, and his tail, it seemed so alien to him, it just kind of flopped, he couldn’t really control it and as a result it was limp, though he could feel it there, feel himself touch it, and even muscles twitch when he lightly pricked it with a claw. He pulled himself from the mirror and turned on his laptop, and put in the disk and sat down, time for the moment of truth.

[silverrush95]

I must say, I like it! Especially the concept, it intrigues me. I will point out, however, that there's a small deal of punctuation error. Of course, as it says in your signature, you're dyslexic, so it's not much of a big deal. I'm just one of those nit-picky people ^^"
Oh, and depending on the extent of the accent, I'd say you might wanna try a bit harder. The line “When you’re ready get yer arse downstairs, see you in a few Da-vid” was pretty good, though you might wanna change that "you're" to a "yer" or vice versa. Other than what I pointed out, I thought it was pretty good! I'd probably give it a read if it does wind up going somewhere.

I'm sorry! I feel like a huge jerk, pointing out the mistakes and all, which is why I don't critique very often. Or, at least not purposely. Oh, I'm also sorry if this isn't what you meant by the whole feedback thing and all. As for the proofreading thing, if you'd like, I could give it a try when I get on an actual computer/laptop instead of this phone. Again, I'm sorry!

[Dave-8ball]

Yes, punctuation has always been mybiggest downfall I'm affraid, but trust me I am a lot better than when I started out. I really don't mind nit picking,in fact thats why I'm asking for random people to proof read it. I am looking at slightly altering the dialog and the 'You're/yer' bit, was actually Yer, but word seems to have decided to change that one bit all by its merry self.

So yeah, Don't feel bad or like a jerk, I want people to nit-pick and so on, because trust me when you look at a sentance 5 times, then get told later that theres 3 spelling mistakes it can really get annoying, not at the people pointing the mistakes that is but more so the fact that I checked it so many times and still failed to notice the errors.

so yeah thanks Silver and again, don't be sorry I

[kylel]

Wow very nice I like it If you keep going and make it into a webcomic like FH I would read it nonstop.

[Dave-8ball]

Great to hear!
I would make it into a webcomic if I could draw, unfortunatly my current laptop doesn't like the drawing program I have so till thats sorted theres no comic in sight unless someone saw and wanted to illistrate my story in a joint piece.
That aside I have started a second chapter though I need to iron out some of the content, but hopefully it shouldn't take too long.

[Italo]

First off, I noticed the forum to more or less be that one rating above PG-13 but below R. So swearing is okay for stories I'd assume. I'd ask a mod though.
Now that i've read through it. Theres not much that I'd change. If anything at all. Great job! ^_^

[Dave-8ball]

Cool, well I really haven't a clue British ratings are somewhat different to US, I mean we have a 12A rating which is basically no one in under 12 unless accompanied by an adult which is mostly the same as PG.
Anyway random ratings aside I'm glad to hear that, I have done the most of the second chapter though I really need to iron out a few creases as it was done while I was half asleep.

[Buzzwolf]

The level of immediate awareness to the entire situation really kinda bugs me, most people that are amnesiac don't usually realize they don't remember who they are till someone asks them if they 'can tell them their name'. it doesn't feel like he's just coming back up after an operation, no sense of receding grogginess or anything, and he's already out of bed on his new legs mere minutes after. it feels absolutely...idealistic actually

overall it's not terrible writing, I'd like to see less of the 'F***' bits just because that looks really bad when you're reading it over, and really, unless you're directing your curses at someone in specific in a pure insult (I.E, telling another forumite they're a fucking retard for one example), no one really cares if you use fuck or shit or the like in any creative writing sceneario. The other thing that I'd hit on is a little more description of the actual scene, unless you're trying to keep it generic, but I get the feeling that's not the idea with how much you focus on the visual details of the character himself later on, there's no motion, no movement, just line after line of dialouge

all in all, there's a good bit of potential in this 'creation story', just some kinks you run into when you're still learning, I'd personally suggest that in addition to the writing of the second chapter you're doing, maybe do some smaller stuff, like RP's that force you to react on a whim and to describe the situation so that the other players might continue along the story with you

little off topic since I was busy when your intro thread got going, welcome to the forum, it's good to see another feline wandering these threads ^^ Tiger - Wolf Hybrid myself, reverse coloring to a White tiger like yourself XP you may eventually see me posting some actual drawings if I can ever bother to get back into it ^^; other than that, I just hang around the RP sector really XP

[Dave-8ball]

Wow that's precisely the criticism I was looking for, I've not actually done any memory loss bits before and I've not read that much where it occurs, but with this hopefuly Ill be able to re-evaluate things to make the story itself run somewhat smoother, the lack of movement I must say though is because I'm hugely at a loss on how to start anything, which can get annoying to say the least.

The swearing I was bieng precautious simply through past, you can get some very uptight arseholes in the least predictive places.

The Rp suggestion is great save two things;
1. Finding a Rp partner who posts moderatly more than two sentances at a time can be difficult, and when you do or at least when I have in the past, the partner you find is so demanding your not Rp'ing at all as they're virtually doing your posts too e-e
2. I'm no good in group Rp's as I tend to forget about them or not realize it's my post, that is if theres a structured posting regime, if not by the time I've replied to something everyone else is 10 pages ahead.

But all in all if I find a suitable partner in the future, or in my contact list. I'll definatly look into doing something that involves memory loss, in hopes of improving my grasp on the subject.

Finally off topic myself thanks for the welcome and the help, hopefully you can help in the future ^^ if your not too busy with your drawings that is

[Dave-8ball]

I have been racking my brain for months starting and restarting this second chapter I'm reasonably happy with it now there are likely a few mistakes here and there but I was up till 2am finishing it last night, Tell me what you think any and all criticism is loved, helps me adapt my writing after all ^^

Quick note the first few paragraphs have been the main cause of my stress with this piece I'd hugely appreciate it if someone gave it a critical eye and told me whether and where I've made mistakes it's the one bit I'm still unsure about. Cheers!

Chapter 2: [What Am I?]

The laptop whirred for a moment and a window opened on the screen, Dave then found himself staring at himself, or himself before whatever experiment had transpired, sitting back he noted that the video had been done right in this seat, there was silence for a moment before the digitalized human version of him began to speak.

“So, lost your memory David? Well sit back and let me briefly explain. You are the leading scientist in genetic splicing, now whether you remember what that is or not, I don’t know but basically you work on DNA, you split it in half and stick different parts together to modify a someone or something’s appearance. Why? Because there’s a lot of money and you’re the only person who seems to be able to think outside the box. So if you’re watching this I’m also gathering the experiment was a success, but with the memory loss you’ll have no knowledge of what that experiment was.”

The entire time the video was playing he was trying to remember, the anthro tigers mind was a blank though, he couldn’t think straight and no matter how hard he tried nothing would come back to him. The screen faded out and two figures came into view, his human self and his tiger self. And his voice continued.

“Obviously I don’t need to point out the differences, but basically the project was turning a regular human into an anthropomorphic being. There are several reasons to do this and while many would claim your playing god, you’re not. You are the catalyst to help advance evolution, or that’s what you believed while making this video. I say this simply as there is a large debate on whether other things such as thought patterns or moral beliefs will be altered.”

The two pictures disappeared and his human self came back into view, as did the room. Pausing for a moment, the lass from before came onto the corner of the screen, not likely on purpose simply due to the positioning.

“Dave, we’ve prepped the room, ready when you are matey.”

“Righto, give me a few more minutes.”
She simply nodded and walked out again, his human self sat forwards and started his conclusion “Well this is it, I’m going to walk into the lab and with any luck I’ll be fine or at the least watching this video. If you have had to watch this video because you’ve no recollection of anything then I, or rather you have made a plan it’s in the bedside draw, but for now get your fuzzy arse downstairs. Otherwise Terri will think you’ve gone back to sleep and she will come up here and drag you out by the ear.”

With that the screen went blank, so that was it. He was David, a genetic scientist who tested his methods out on himself and it seemed to have worked on the most part. It still wasn’t enough though, while the video had explained the main things it hadn’t seemed to have triggered anything, perhaps this Terri could help, though he didn’t know anything about her she seemed friendly enough.

Sitting back in his chair he could see the reflection of himself on the black screen, had he done right to change himself? Perhaps he’d simply become an abomination through his own pride but perhaps not. So many thoughts and even more questions raced through his mind, but after a few moments he sat forwards and closed the screen on his laptop. Picking himself up from the chair he began shifting his weight from foot paw to foot paw, it felt fine enough, nothing felt particularly wrong so without a second thought he padded towards the door and out his room.

The hallway leading away from his door was full of books, shelves from the floor to ceiling full of books, fantasy or teen fiction for the most part though there was a little of everything all in all and on the floor were even more books, stacked up to Dave’s waist in piles. There it was, his first trigger. It was as if every book leapt towards him telling their stories all at once in his own voice, this slightly dis-orientated him but he remembered most of the books in the hallway he’d read over the years, most had been given to him from his father in fact. This inadvertently reminded Dave how it had felt to be human, he could remember standing on a stool in attempts to reach a book and landing flat on his face.

His immediate first thoughts passed over the reminder of the discomfort of carpet burn against his for head, which had Terri in hysterics when she’d found out. His emotions and feelings were the same though he started to notice the differences, he didn’t have any bare skin now save his nose and paw pads. Stroking over his neck he first noticed the difference of the feeling, it was like rubbing out an itch you couldn’t particularly feel but instead of persisting the feeling just faded, the second thing he noticed was as he got closer to his ears the feeling became more so intense but as before simply died down. A peculiar feeling for sure.

The hallway led out onto a ledge and spiral staircase down to the lower floor, adjacent from the hallway he’d just exited was another hallway with a door in the far wall. Of course none of this was noticed by Dave, because his new and somewhat more primal instincts were taking over, downstairs in the kitchen Terri was doing herself a chicken salad lunch, all Dave could smell was the chicken, in two bounds down the first few steps the hybrid jumped ever the hand rail landing softly on the floor below and bolted for the door the smell was leaking from, as he burst through the door Terri spun around a just washed pan in one hand but before she could fend off her friend and co-worker he’d inhaled half of her chicken, just for this he got a pan landing square on his thick skull, a ringing clang resounding through the room and around the house as Dave slid to the floor dazed.

Terri huffed and pushed Dave over making sure he was still alive before picking up what was left of her lunch and walking over to the couch to eat it allowing Dave to recuperate. The news monotonously went on about more ridiculous politicians fighting to scrape pennies out of everyone for a few more moments before finally changing the subject. Dave’s ears flickered as he heard his own name swiveling them towards the TV he listened still on the floor while his eyeballs stopped swirling. The news was telling the world about his work, it went on to rip him to shreds, once again on the side of the religious fanatics, this was triggering a lot of stressful memories, legal battles that he’d scraped through by the skin of his teeth. Standing up slowly and rubbing his head the thwack seemed to have dislodged more memories as parts of his life started flooding back to him.

Parts of his child and teen hood, his interest in Biology and science, he was having to jigsaw the pieces together but he was managing it pretty well up to now, as this went on in his head Terri watched, not necessarily studying him but also thinking of what this meant, she was worried they hadn’t quite sorted out a reverse for the transformation, they were working on it and it was going well but if something happened, hell there may even be an uprising if the religious groups took a total dislike to it, of course Dave hadn’t been named most unorthodox biologist of the year for nothing, he probably had a plan, he must have she could see the cogs turning in the hybrids mind.

Dave shook his head to clear his mind, it was so much to take in, again. Getting up his mind decided to mention what he’d just done looking over to the couch he padded over and smiled apologetically.

“Heh sorry about that, seems I’ve inherited a little more than preempted, primal urges are a lot harder to resist than thought, but I barely felt the pan so there’s a good
point” he chuckled flopping back in his seat.

“So you remember again? Like everything?” She grinned

“Not quite, I remember a lot not quite everything though, I’ve got to say you really knocked some sense into me even if it didn’t hurt” he chuckled.

Terri laughed a little herself and grinning replied “See told you I’d knock some into ya one day, Nerd.”